An Apology From A Black Mother To Her Son

Inspired by the movie "Baby Boy"

Princess Adinasse

From the time I looked into your beautiful black face after birth, I vowed to love and protect you from life’s problems. I am not sorry for loving you my young Afrikan man. I am however sorry for protecting you beyond what was necessary and for the wrongs in my life that I imposed upon you.

When you first began to disobey me, I should have put my foot down firmer, instead of saying how cute you were and making other excuses for your behavior. I should never have rationalized disciplining you properly in any way. I should have listened to those elder women who knew if I did not get your behavior in hand, it would come back to haunt me in the future.

When you first saw your father abuse me, I should have left then, right then. In fact, I should never have stayed in the first place to even allow you to witness it. That was part of my insanity, not yours. I gave you the wrong impression of what a man really is. I also gave you the wrong impression of what a woman really is. I am sorry for that. I’m so very sorry that I had no respect for myself and that you saw your father’s lack of respect for me, the mother of his child.

I am sorry for not demanding that your father take care of you. I am sorry for not making him live up to his end of his responsibilities as a father. I am sorry that you had to see him spending his money on other things while I worked to support us. I am sorry for not giving you a proper role model in both your parents. I should have done better than what I did. I should have demanded that the father’s of your sisters take care of them too. Yet again I failed to give you proper male role models to emulate.

I am sorry for my role in bringing the wrong make role models into your life. Those "love Momma and leave her" men. Some of those men gave you the wrong impression of what manhood was all about as well. In addition, some of the things you saw me do in the name of "love" were part of my insanity as well. At times, you went without clothing and food while I gave these men shelter and financed their addictions. Well, they were MY addiction truth be told. At times, you became the parent and I became the child. You were so very wise, much more mature than any young man your age should have been. I’m so sorry son.

I am sorry for my addictive behaviors when I could not handle life. I thought I could hide my problems in a bottle, or a pipe or a man. My needs came first, I realize that now. But it is most likely too late for you, this epiphany of mine. My needs and the needs of the other men in my life even came before you at times. I thought that by keeping you by my side, I was being a Mama, but I was just being selfish. I forced you into the role of an adult without your permission.

I am sorry for yelling at you when I saw you in that jail cell for selling drugs. Yes I took some of the money you gave me and did not question where it came from. Yes it did feel good to go into the hairdresser and tell everyone about the diamond necklace you got me and how you were paying for my hair to be fried, dyed and laid to the side. However, I was afraid for you son and ashamed at what my son had become. Although the people at the court said that some of this might have been my fault, I could not accept that. This had to be your faults don’t you see? They said there were so many warning signs that I as your Mother did not heed. How could there have been?

I am sorry for not being a better grandmother to these grand babies. Yes I realize they are yours. But I am tired of the baby Mommas coming to me telling me that you don’t support the children. What do they want me to do? You are in jail and you did not do anything for them before you went to jail. One of them had the nerve to tell me that maybe you were looking for the love in them that I did not give you. How dare that heffa!

I’m sorry that now that you are out of jail that you have no marketable skills to keep you off the streets. I should have paid more attention to what the teachers were telling me while you were in school. But you dropped out before I could do that. I tried telling them that I worked to support us. That did not matter I guess. You sleep all day on the couch and go out at night. You need to have a good time after all that time in jail. I love you so much. I should be asking you if you are sticking by the rules of your probation. Nevertheless, I keep remembering that beautiful black face after your birth. I just lie to the probation officer when he calls.

I’m sorry I should not have done that.

When the police come and tell me that you murdered someone over a drug deal gone wrong, I was in shock. You had just called me and asked for money. I sent it by your cousin. I lied to the police about not hearing from you. Just as I always lied for you and to you. This is just another lie. How could it hurt?

Looking at you while you are being sentenced for life, I realize that I should be serving time with you. Although all the choices you made were yours, I did not help you to make healthy ones. What we Afrikan mothers born in Amerikkka sometimes to our baby boys in the name of love does not make them men. We do not hold them accountable for their actions early on, or we opt out of the situation altogether at times. We as mothers do not realize that if we cannot make healthy choices for ourselves, then we do not give our baby boys the option to become healthy young Afrikan men. They sometimes have no choice but to opt out.  We need to understand that the system WILL hold them accountable. And some of us have the nerve to get angry at the system when we need to realize that many of us feed our children into that situation.

We need to be sorry.

For the wrongs we have done to our Baby Boys.

For not allowing them to become Afrikan Men and to perpetuate the sins of their fathers.